Funny News and Jokes: June 2006

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Today's Joke: Smarter Dog

Couple of dog owners are arguing about whose dog is smarter.
"May dog is so smart," says the first owner, "that every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around. he tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with mya morning coffe."
"I know," says the second owner.
"How do you know?"
"My dog told me."

Friday, June 23, 2006

Doctor joke

The nurse said to the doctor,
"There's an invisible man in the waiting room."
The doctor replied,
"Tell him I can't see him now."
Paul Regeness

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Joke of the day: Puzzle!

Mike and Nick go into a bar, whooping and hollering.
“Bartender, drinks for everyone. We’re buying!” they shout.
“What’s the occasion?” asks the bartender.
“We just finished a jigsaw puzzle, and it only took us seven months,” Nick replies.
“Seven month?’ says the bartender. “What’s the big deal? It shouldn’t take you seven months to do a puzzle.”
“Oh, yeah?” Mike answers.“On the box it said ‘two to four years’!”

Why do males have nipples?

Nearly all mammals have nipples, which females use to feed their offspring. The genes of mammals code for nipple development in the fetus, regardless of sex. In fact, the default body plan is female, and in the absence of male hormones such us testosterone, every mammalian fetus will develop an essentially female body.

Despite the uselessness of male nipples, they haven’t disappeared because natural selection acts only on features that affect survival. Male nipples remain as vestigal features, like the human appendix.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Fish Joke

“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.”

Jerry Seinfeld.

“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, ‘Oh, my God, I could be eating a slow learner.’”

Linda Montgomery

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Dogs don’t speak English!

Reuters (16/6) reported England Police Department imported dogs from Europe in order to strengthen the dog squad. The problem is, the dog only obeys the order given in language where they come from, and e.g. Police in Avon and Somerset have to learn to speak Holland/Dutch since they received 3 dogs that imported from Holland to strengthen the dog squad.

Funny Facts:

60% of teen girls brush their teeth twice a day; just 40% of boys do!
Source: Buzzback Market Research/RD.

People who use antibacterial soaps are just as likely to get sick as those who use regular soap!
Source: Annals of Internal Medicine/RD.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Dog Chair Wheel

Maybe you have bought dog collars, but what you gonna do if your dog hitted by car?

In Hohhot, Mongolia -China territory-, a nurse who has a handicapped dog –caused by traffic accident- has made a kind of chair wheel to help the dog keep walking. What a lovely nurse!

Baby wedding

If you think you are too young to get married, then you must read this!

Puspa (13 months) and Bundaram (3 years).

Uli Rauss wrote that Bundaram (3 yrs) and Puspa (13 mths) was held their wedding ceremony in Rajastan Province, Western India. Their parent carried them circling the holy bonfire along with mantra spelled by the priest. After the whole ritual ceremony finished, they are announced as husband and wife.

Even though since 1930 India Government stated that this baby marriage is illegal, their parents still doing this unique tradition because it is a heritage tradition that the elder wants to do in order to keep their ancient tradition exist. The other reason is baby wedding take lower cost than adult wedding.

Even Bundaram is a husband now, he still need baby feeding.

Joke of the day:

Joke:

A man wrote a letter to the IRS (USA Tax Authority): “I have been unable to sleep knowing that I cheated on my taxes. I have enclosed a check for $200. If I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.” -RD.

Funny news: Starring at women breast reduces blood pressure?

It's not a sex joke. New England Journal of Medicine research: Gerontologist Dr. Karen Weatherby and his partners took samples of 200 male patients from 3 different hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, and found that ’10 minutes staring at the beauty of women body is equal to doing 30 minutes aerobic!’

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Today joke and funny news

Funny news: Love at the first chat?

16 years old Germany boy spend the night by bicycling more than 200 kilometers in order to meet the girl he knew on the internet. Last Wednesday (31/06) police said they tried to reach this boy parents when the boy arrived to Bremen Police Station, Northern Germany, asking for the direction to Hamburg -town where the girls live in- in very tired condition, Wednesday morning.

“This boy has no map, money or meal stock,” Police said.

His angry parent took him immediately back to Hamm in North-Rhine Westphalia, Western Germany.

(AFP/MUK)

Funny Fact.

Boots Chiporody Practices’ survey said people walk averagely 18.000 steps a day everyday (approximately 8 kilometers). If you think you will reach your 77th birthday, you will have been walking about 225.300 kilometers at that time- the same distance as 5 times traveling around the world!

Joke of the day.

“How much do you charge?” a women asks a lawyer.
“I get $30 for three questions,” the lawyers answers.
“Are you sure?” the women shocked.
“Yes, I am,” the lawyer replies. “Now, what is your last question?”

Monday, June 12, 2006

Funny joke of the day: Excel's father

A woman named Anny demanding Taufik Hidayat’s –a famous Indonesian badminton athlete – confession of their son, 5 years old a boy called Excel. Anny said that Taufik Hidayat is Excel’s dad; as they were had relationship few years ago.

Anny said that Excel need to meet his father at least once a life time, and Taufik’s confession needed to get Excel’s Indonesian Legal letter of Birth. Taufik refused to confess, and demanding DNA test to prove it.

Hm, I think I know who is Excel’s father exactly, Microsoft Office!

Joke from old mag.

On CNN they said that the price of milk will go up 50 cents a gallon. What, is OPEC raising cows now?

Jay Leno, The Tonight Show (NBC)
-----

Couple were returning to their seats after a trip to the movie theater concession stand.
"Did I step on your toes on the way out?" the guy asked the man at the end of the row.
"You certainly did," the man responded angrily.
"All right, " the husband said to his wife. "This is our row."

Heidi Astle
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Love is in the Air

Funny:
Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine? He fell in love with a picushion.

Funnier:
Why did the canibal break up with his girl? She didn't suit his taste.

Funniest:
Why didn't Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer's heart?
Are you kidding? Even Cupid can't hit a target that small!

Reader's Digest.

Adult Joke : A Girls First Time

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. Naughty, Naughty! Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?

This joke was submitted by: Mariaum/Mira

Get women's vote; buy them lingerie.

Did you ever hear about money politics? Of course you have. But in Zimbabwe, there was uncommon politic tactic, Lingerie Politic. In 2004 Reuters reported that a Zimbabwean politician tried to win women's votes by handing out free lingerie.

Handing out gifts is not uncommon in election campaigns in Zimbabwe, butThis time the publicity incurred the wrath of his ruling ZANU-PF party.Zimbabwe Television said that supporters have been angered by the antics of an aspiring parliamentary Candidate (who) has been accused of using unorthodox means to garner support, including the buying of undergarments for women.Also reported by The Independent; Campaigning among ZANU PF candidates ahead of the party’s primaries had assumed fever pitch with the ruling party’s aspiring candidate for Kadoma, Jimayi Muduvuri, using uncommon campaign tactics such as buying lingerie for women to attract voters.